She Goes Ding When There's Stuff

The Pocket 401-J, or, How To Spend An Afternoon Getting Your Hands All Sticky No Not Like That Jeez. 

• Hit up a dollar store squirt gun with primer. Spray paint your hands by accident because you are holding the can backwards somehow. 
• Then spray it with brown or black. Get that all over the place too, and don’t worry, it will never ever come off even with a scrub brush, that shit is on your hands for GOOD.
• Hit up the glossy brown finish with gold acrylic. Brush streak city? wait till that shit is tacky then pat it gently all over with a paper napkin to buff it smooth. 
• Your bare fingers will work too. 
• They will work way better than a napkin. 
• Paint the tanks red because fuck it red is sexy and you want nothing to do with guns that you are not fully prepared to make out with. Use two coats of red acrylic and a sponge brush. Make sure to drop the sponge brush in your lap: instant work jeans, made out of any jeans you happen to have on. Very convenient! 
• Dropping the brush on the floor is also a great way to bonk your head on the table as you try to mop up the disaster that has become your life and also your floorboards before anyone else can see. 
• A thin slurry of black acrylic and water to age the gold body and a thick, enticing layer of modge-podge to gloss up the tanks. Did you know that modge podge tastes exactly like that time a mouse walked into your mouth? 
• Now you do. 
• Pose like you are sexxxy. Everyone loves a chick who is not afraid to get her hands dirty, possibly on an irrevocably permanent basis.